Maybe I Should Stop Editing Myself

A few days ago, I read something on TikTok that I can’t remember word for word anymore, but the thought was basically this: be cringey, be boring, be wild, be crazy, be smart, be carefree. Just be you. Because if someone really likes you, eventually they’re going to see all of it anyway, including the things you’re proud of and the things you probably wish you could hide.

Simple lang, but for some reason it stayed with me.

I think part of it is because I’ve gotten so used to being conscious about how I present myself. I’ve been manning DBS for years, dealing with members, brands, partners, events, and people who know me because of what I do. Naturally, you learn to think before posting something, check how something sounds, and make sure you’re not creating unnecessary problems for yourself or the organization.

That’s fine. I have a name to take care of, and there are responsibilities that come with that. Gets ko naman why I became that way.

The funny part is I think I started doing the same thing with myself when it comes to dating.

When I like someone, there’s always that little thought somewhere in the background. Would they be proud to have me as a partner? Would they like this side of me? Am I being too much? Should I be quieter about this? Should I act like I care less than I actually do?

Ang daming editing. Parang laging may version na kailangang i-adjust. And I don’t think I was always like that.

I had a relationship that lasted four years, and for the most part, I was simply myself in it. He knew the good, the bad, the moods, the weird interests, the annoying habits, everything. It wasn’t perfect, obviously, but it was real and it lasted for years.

Then he cheated.

I’m not going to turn that into some dramatic origin story because life moved on, but looking back, I wonder if something changed after that without me really noticing.

Maybe I started thinking that being myself wasn’t enough.

So you adjust a little. You try to be more presentable, more interesting, more chill, less complicated. Nothing extreme, just small edits here and there depending on who you’re talking to.

And somehow, none of those carefully edited versions have exactly been winning awards for longevity either. So parang, ano rin ba talaga ang point?

There’s another thing that makes dating weird for me sometimes.

Because of the work I’ve done through blogging and DBS, I get access to certain things. Events, launches, invitations, experiences, people I’ve met through the years. I know that’s a privilege and I’m grateful for it, but you also become aware that sometimes people enjoy what comes with knowing you.

I’ve seen enough people suddenly remember I exist when they need an invitation or want access to something.

So once in a while, especially when someone new enters my life, I wonder what exactly they find interesting.

Is it me? Or am I just conveniently attached to things they also find interesting?

Not everyone is like that, of course. Hindi naman ako walking around interrogating people about their intentions. But the thought exists.

And maybe that’s also why I put pressure on myself to be this very presentable version of me. If everything else disappeared, the events, the access, the title, the connections, would the person underneath all of that still be someone worth staying for?

That TikTok somehow brought me back to the obvious answer I keep overcomplicating.

Whoever stays long enough is going to meet the real version anyway.

They’ll eventually see me when I’m not doing anything interesting. They’ll hear the bad jokes. They’ll know the things I overthink. They’ll see me being confident one day and completely unsure of myself the next. They’ll probably discover habits I don’t even realize are annoying yet.

So what exactly am I gaining by trying to make myself easier to like at the beginning?

Of course, being yourself doesn’t mean refusing to improve. We all have shitty things about ourselves that need work. You can be authentic and still learn how to communicate better, apologize when you’re wrong, and stop doing things that hurt other people.

But fixing yourself and editing yourself for someone are probably two different things.

I think that’s the part I’ve been confusing.

Maybe finding someone isn’t about becoming the version they’ll be proud to introduce to everyone. Maybe they should meet the boring version, the cringey version, the confident version, the wala-sa-mood version, and decide for themselves.

And I should probably be doing the same with them.

Because maybe the better question isn’t always, “Will this person like me?”

Maybe it’s also, “Can I actually be me around this person?”

I don’t know. Iniisip ko pa rin.

But after trying different versions for different people, maybe the next one should just be me.