Somewhere Between Eight Months and a Random Thought

There are days when I randomly stop and think... wait, how long has it been?

Almost eight months in Malaysia.

Somehow it doesn't feel like eight months. Maybe because I'm still trying to find my rhythm. Or maybe because I've been too busy convincing myself that everything is okay.

Tangina, hindi ko na alam kung saan ako nahihirapan.

Sa pagiging OFW ba? Sa expectations ko sa sarili ko? Sa sobrang bilib ko sa sarili ko noon? O hindi lang talaga ako marunong i-manage ang sarili ko?

Minsan napapaisip ako kung naging sobrang confident lang ba ako. Kung naniwala akong kaya ko lahat, hanggang sa dumating yung point na unti-unti kong nare-realize na baka hindi pala.

Or worse, baka I've been creating a version of myself that doesn't really exist.

I've always seen myself as someone dependable. Someone who figures things out. Someone who can adapt wherever life puts him. But lately, even that version of me feels unfamiliar.

People see the travels, the concerts, the photos, and the fact that I can still fly back home once in a while. It probably looks like I'm living the life. What they don't see is how often I question myself.

Am I really capable?

Am I actually good at what I do?

Or have I just been lucky enough that people believed in me before I even had the chance to doubt myself?

I don't even know what the problem is anymore, and I think that's the hardest part. You can't fix something when you don't even know what you're trying to fix.

Maybe it's work.

Maybe it's being away from home.

Maybe it's pressure.

Maybe it's just me.

I honestly don't know.

I just know that somewhere between leaving home and trying to build a life here, I started questioning the person I thought I knew so well.

And right now, I don't have a neat ending for this.

Just a lot of questions that have been sitting in my head for a while.